


Correspondence

by Sukila



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana is a good friend, Alana's organisation: 'Don't Disappear', Also I edited a little even though it kills me everytime, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor Deserves Happiness, Dear lord I just realised this is basically a really sad Love Simon AU..., Established Relationship, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, F/F, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heidi tries but kinda fails a whole lot, I Made Myself Cry, I swear, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jared is an ass but he gets better, Jared's 'friends' suck though, Larry is also kinda bad, Letters, Lies, Love Letters, M/M, Nicknames, Past Child Abuse (Evan's dad is the worst), Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Separation Anxiety, So many lies, Social Anxiety, Stuttering, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tags Contain Spoilers, Zoe knows Connor loves her yay!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 20:25:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14409924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sukila/pseuds/Sukila
Summary: Evan and Connor really did exchange emails, lovingly passing back and forth their favourite stories and, even, some tragedies. Unfortunately, Connor’s depression worsens by the day and, eventually, he tries again to take his own life. He fails, but now Evan is left scrambling to pick up the pieces, as well as hide away any evidence the two were anything more than good friends; including scrubbing out their most recent fight that Evan is convinced pushed his boyfriend over the edge. Not to mention the suicidal thoughts that also course through Evan’s head, only growing worse as his relationship with Connor is put under a microscope by Connor’s family as he spends time away.





	Correspondence

**Author's Note:**

> Extra Note: Evan's suicide attempt never happened in this AU, so his arm isn't broken, what did happen is Connor and Evan's relationship. The letters are real, in this story.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_This is already a strange day, because Connor Murphy decided to point out how annoying I was when I couldn’t order ice cream and just watched other people do it. He did it by just getting the scoop of vanilla and asking for company to pay him back? It was weird, but...how would I know?_

 

_I had thought he’d never want to associate with someone like me, Jared barely did before he went off to camp. Yet, we just talked about...anything, the trees (which he didn’t think was weird), and what we want to do when high school is over (he says there’s too many things to name)._

 

_He didn’t laugh when I said I’d never really thought about anything more than arranging flowers or keeping the wilderness fire-free. He didn’t yell when I got too close, only when I asked the wrong question or tried to touch his arm (which was a dumb idea)._

 

_I don’t know if we’re friends, but...I do have his phone number and that’s something I’ve never really had before (Jared gets mad when I call). Maybe I’ll understand this sometime? For now, I think I’ll just think of things to tell him next time, that’s a good idea, right?_

 

-

 

“Evan Hansen?”

 

He nodded, but...why was he here? Who were these people? He hadn’t done something, had he? He didn’t recall making any trouble, especially nothing involving _Zoe Murphy_ of all people; Connor and she didn’t get along too well, after all.

 

“The Murphy’s are here to speak with you about Connor…”

 

His face darkened and his throat went dry, “W-What about Connor?” Did he get in trouble again? Get caught skipping? Maybe suspension? He better not have started another fight to ‘Defend the gay agenda’ again…

 

“Yesterday afternoon, Connor attempted to… To take his own life…” The office lady said, leading him towards a doorway and into a secluded room, she stopped short before turning the knob, glancing back at his face of shock and dismay.

 

Again…? But they- He’d… He’d done this, hadn’t he?

 

But then he’s there, under the scrutiny of Connor’s family and, most importantly, the eyes of his sister as she looked at him with a surprised and instantly suspicious look. He scrunched up in an effort to look smaller, to not crumple at the sight of her gaze just like he always had with Connor’s before they became close…

 

But nobody knew that. Why was he here?

 

His father, Larry, the one he always calls by name with colourful disdain and a wealth of confident sorrow in each insult, “We wanted to speak with you in private. If you’d like to maybe…”

 

He nodded, shifting uncomfortably as Cynthia, his mother, who just wants everyone to get along and prefers to ignore and pacify rather than escalate, carefully smoothes out a piece of printer paper.

 

Larry impatiently interrupts, “Why don’t you go ahead, honey, and..?”  
  
“I’m going as fast as I can,” she snaps back, more angry than Evan had assumed she’d be.  
  
The man seems as though he’s ready to respond, ready to make a scathing remark in return and easily cast off any blame for his clear insensitivity, but then he takes a look at the shaking Evan and the poorly concealed misery on his daughter’s face and snaps his mouth shut.

 

He recognises the letter instantly as she hands it off with trembling hands, “You… You knew Connor, didn’t you? You were friends?”

 

Zoe shoots him a heated glared and he’s unable to hold back a harsh flinch, Cynthia seems to brush it off as recognition (not that she’d be wrong). It’s his letter to Connor…

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

 

_I’ll have you know that letters are just more formal texts. I think… And I think it’d be pretty cool to have something to...well, to look at when I need to think about friends instead of the bad stuff. I know I hang up a lot of the stuff you give me (you can tell me if that’s not okay though)._

 

_You don’t have to put up anything private, in fact, we should probably use something more private to do that (you said last time that your parents checked your emails sometimes?). Sorry, I just...I like talking to you, I guess._

 

_You’re a good friend (are we friends? I think so). I can’t say I’ve ever really had a friend before (Jared says we’re just ‘family friends,’ I think he hates me) so I’m not a very good judge, but… Don’t be so hard on yourself? Just, uh, take deep breaths, go on walks, that kinda stuff! It helps me all the time because trees don’t, like, insult you...I’ll send some pictures! Or, maybe, you could just ask me when you need to stop thinking?_

 

_I’m here if you need me._

_\- Evan Hansen_

 

 

“I- Oh…” He fades off, unable to comprehend the deep creases where hands had held the letter too tightly, the faded patches of looseness where it had been damped, the ripped corners from where tacks had held it fast to the wall (behind the headboard of his bed). All the little details combining with the idea that Connor had trusted his previous words more than his current during a time of depression.

 

“He had it with him… I never even heard him talk about you but…”

 

Connor wouldn’t have, didn’t want them to ruin it, he’d said. But now they knew, now they knew and he needed to… He _needed to-_

 

“P-Please, is he okay? Can I- Can I see him? I- I need to-” His eyes were dry, but his insides were churning about and he thought he might throw up if he had to look at one of them again, had to hear their words on a topic Connor had never wanted them to know of.

 

Cynthia looks stricken, “I…”

 

Larry picks up the slack and decides otherwise, “We wanted to talk to you first, maybe this evening? You were his friend and if you could, maybe, explain why he’d do this then-”

 

“Then we could help him once he’s awake and ready…” She manages to finish.

 

-

 

“We’d go skiing with them every year… Did he tell you about it?”

 

It was the time every year that Connor had to leave, how could he forget? They may have only been friends for a few years, more for shorter, but it didn’t changed the fact that he was still Evan’s only person of interest outside his mom.

 

He chuckled a little, delving into a happy memory of before his friend had left, decidedly falling into it and speaking strictly of surface-level companionship, “He complained about it every day for a month, once…”

 

 _“C’mon, Ev! Why aren’t you outraged with me? It’s like...a whole week in some old cabin, with people I hate, and a family I_ also _hate!”_

 

_He gave him a playful shove as he giggled through Connor’s speech about his misery, all just overplayed for the sake of humour since he knew there was no getting out of it, “You shut it, Hansen!”_

 

_“I-I’m sorry-” He stopped to take a breath, snorting a little, “I-It’s just… Pfft!”_

 

 _Connor blushed in response, “Sheesh, next time I’m forcing_ you _to come, see how you like it!”_

 

_Evan’s face flushed an even deeper shade of red and his laughter ceased near instantly, “Y-You would…?_

 

_They share a tender sort of glance before Connor looks away and huffs, “Yeah… I would…”_

 

“He...He told me he’d take me next time, ma-make it less of a bore for him...even if it m-meant he wouldn’t get to buh- bother me about it la-later.”

 

Zoe gave him a _look,_ “So you two hung out a lot then?”

 

“N-Not as m-much as I would’ve l-liked...but-” His mind went to his smile, to his hair when he kept it up, and their long, lazy afternoons of lying about in the grassy fields outside or, simply, the floor of his room, “Yeah…”

 

“But we didn’t find anything else of his in his emails.”

 

“H-He knew you did that… I’d print out letters for h-him for school or h-he’d use another account,” he stated in response, doing his best to not let his nervously show and imply some kind of lie was happening.

 

“But the first time I even saw you two talk was when he shoved you. Hard. Onto the floor. Then called you a freak.”

 

Cynthia pressed a hand to her mouth, gasping a little, “He did that?”

 

Evan gave a weak smile, “I… I’ve been having a hard time lately… I was sick of passing notes and only speaking in private just because he was embarrassed to even be seen with me…!” He half-yelled, realisation hitting him quickly as he clenched his fists and tried to banish the wetness from his eyes, “It was my fault, really… I shouldn’t have pushed it-”

 

_“Fuck you, Hansen!”_

 

_“Y-You don’t get to do that anymore! I-I’m not scared of you, Connor! I’m not gonna run off l-like a li-li-little kid so you can be upset by yourself!”_

 

_He deflated slightly, clenching his fists and turning away, “Ev… I can’t…”_

 

_“Con, I just… I just want to be near you, is all. We don’t need to look close, I just want someone around because Jared’s been a nightmare lately, and Alana is talking to me like I’m some kind of project, and Zoe’s been-”_

 

_He stiffens, “Is she bothering you about me, again?”_

 

_“She doesn’t see anything, but you pushing me around! She thinks you’re a bully, Connor, and you’re not!”_

 

_“I’m a bad person, Evan…”_

 

_He puts two hands on his arm, wrapping his fingers gently around his sleeve, “You’re not… I- I’m sorry, I sh-shouldn’t h-have brought th-th-this up I-”_

 

_He pulls him into a hug, interrupting the mad dash of syllables, “No, no! You’re not blaming yourself for this!” His lashes are wet from blinking away the offensive liquid as it makes itself known in each eye, “We both have problems, it’s not just me, not just you…”_

 

_Evan melts into it all, starved for affection after their brief moment of weakness, he can’t say anything, can only hold onto the feeling of gentle strokes across his back and try to be calm, Connor speaks instead, “Ev… Is this...okay? Are we okay?”_

 

 _“Of course!” He insists, finally squeezing back, “This and_ you, _it’s all helped so much for both of us, b-but it’s like they-they say, everyone has their days?”_

 

_“Every dog has its days, Ev, but close enough.”_

 

_But they were in school, so when Zoe came close he went down, hurt, but not wounded, as he noted the careful look in Connor’s eyes, one of softness as it screamed ‘sorry.’ He just wondered… If either of them was truly convinced they were enough for the other…_

 

“I- I shouldn’t have p-pushed him…” Evan repeats, feeling the tears drip down his cheeks as he imagines his...his _friend_ lying in a hospital bed or, even, the wet grass of a dark park with a bottle wrapped with his fingers.

 

But Zoe wasn’t convinced, “Connor is a _bad_ person,” she insists, standing up from her place and retreating upstairs as her father watches and her mother sits in shock, staring at the sobbing Evan (sobbing over _her_ Connor…).

 

Then she put a hand on his shoulder after she finally got herself moving, “Why don’t we go see him tomorrow, okay?”

 

He nodded, “I- I’ll bring… I’ll bring one of the letters… Maybe g-give him a ha-happy dream…”

 

-

Quick note: Evan’s thoughts. _Regular letter._ **_Edited parts of letter._**

 

_Dear, Ev_

 

Probably not… It was a personal joke they’d shared, quite lovingly, for the past few letters.

 

**_Hansen,_ **

 

Well… Is that too impersonal?

 

**_Dear Evan,_ **

 

_Maybe I can tell you what I’ve been thinking lately…_

 

He could feel the smirk in rereading the line, he copied it all, leaving it in another document before instantly cutting out the next six paragraphs of pure filth.

 

 **_Do you enjoy these letters?_ ** _I still think texting is a better idea, less spelling to worry about, more-_

 

Yeah, best he edited that part…

 

 _I still think texting is a better idea, less spelling to worry about,_ **_and we could send way more pictures, too, and faster._ ** _Honestly, I feel weirdly stuck in the past doing this, but I guess compromise is good?_

 

_This is a trainwreck, I mean, who starts with-_

 

Delete! Delete! Geez…

 

 _This is a trainwreck._ **_I mean, who starts a letter like this?_ ** _Anyway, I wanted to ask you about Zoe…_

 

He smiled, remembering the later conversations that always stemmed from these little bits of conversation they passed, taking a long moment to just feel the warmth of those moments before continuing his mutilation of the events.

 

_I love her, I really do, but I’m just...the worst. I know I need therapy, maybe meds, Cynthia thinks it’s a good plan, but she won’t do anything against fucking Larry. I just… I want to be better for them, for myself, feel less...awful, all the time._

 

He should make it better, should make it more pleasant, but… Connor would never tell them these things himself and he just...can’t bear to blot them out like those issues aren’t real.

 

_You’ve helped a lot though. That’s true, I promise. I haven’t really had any good friends before, well, other than my sister. And, honestly, you’re like the light of my life and I don’t want to...ruin you? Like I do everything, fuck…_

 

Connor...

 

_Just, get it through your head, okay? You’re a great friend, an even better boyfriend, and, well, you make me feel like, maybe, I can stand up for myself sometime soon._

 

It kills him to get rid of it, to highlight the last few lines in a careful light blue (its status as his favourite colour is quickly fading), and watch it vanish by his careful command.

 

**_Just, help me through this, okay? One of these days I’m gonna stand up for myself, I know it. Get the help I need. I just, kinda, want you to be there for that._ **

 

_I just realised that none of that was an actual question… I warned you, Hansen! Anyways, don’t get too anxiety-riddled when you reply, okay?_

_\- Connie_

 

 

He laughs a little, a bitter, small sort of exhale that leaves him even more upset than before as he cuts half the statement, and the nickname too.

 

 _I just realised that none of that was an actual question…_ **_I warned you about my writing skills._ ** _Anyways, don’t get too anxiety-riddled when you reply, okay?_

_**\- C** ** **onnor****_

 

 

-

 

“Hey you,” his mother greets, startling him a little as she comes in (letting a few papers drop as she does so), “I have some very exciting news. Look what I found online today- college scholarship essay contests. Have you heard of these?”

 

He hadn’t, “M-Maybe…”

 

She talks for a long while, he can’t focus on it, for the most part, far too busy worrying over his impending visit and the unrefined nature of his edited Email being just right… When she pauses, he realises he wasn’t listening, “Uh, yeah.”

 

“You’ve always been a wonderful writer. And we’re going to need all the help we can get for college…” She tries to encourage until it all seems to fall flat on its face at the mention of the stepmother he’d never met.

 

“Hey, uh, mom-”

 

She eyes the pill bottle, letting it rattle a little in her grasp, “I’ll pick you up a refill later… Hey! There’s an idea! Why don’t I take Tuesday off, school’s been in for a week and I’ve hardly seen you!”

 

Heidi had never seemed more excited than those times she planned days for them together, he gives a little nod, but knows his company will probably be disappointing, “Y-You don’t have to, but… I’d like that.”

 

She smiles, “I’m sorry, honey, did you want to ask me something? I just got a little distracted.”

 

“Oh, uh,” He fumbles, completely unprepared, now, his mental script already burned and the ashes scattered, “I- I’m going somewhere tomorrow, is all…”

 

“Oh? Where to?”

 

He rings his hands before bringing them to the hem of his shirt, “S-Somebody from school got hurt, I- I, uh…”

 

“Oh, you’re going to visit them? That’s… Wow,” She decided, considerably taken aback, but impressed at the social gesture he was willing to perform.

 

“Yeah…! Just, uh, helping Alana with her service hours, you know?” Evan agrees, chuckling awkwardly.

 

“Well, that’s wonderful, Evan…” Heidi decides, pressing a kiss to his hair, “Don’t stay up too late, now, love you.”

 

“Love you…”

 

-

 

**_Dear Evan,_ **

 

 **_Do you enjoy these letters?_ ** _I still think texting is a better idea, less spelling to worry about,_ **_and we could send way more pictures, too, and faster._ ** _Honestly, I feel weirdly stuck in the past doing this, but I guess compromise is good? This is a trainwreck._ **_I mean, who starts a letter like this?_ ** _Anyway, I wanted to ask you about Zoe…_

 

_I love her, I really do, but I’m just...the worst. I know I need therapy, maybe meds, Cynthia thinks it’s a good plan, but she won’t do anything against fucking Larry. I just… I want to be better for them, for myself, feel less...awful, all the time._

 

_You’ve helped a lot though. That’s true, I promise. I haven’t really had any good friends before, well, other than my sister. And, honestly, you’re like the light of my life and I don’t want to...ruin you? Like I do everything, fuck…_

 

**_Just, help me through this, okay? One of these days I’m gonna stand up for myself, I know it. Get the help I need. I just, kinda, want you to be there for that._ **

 

 _I just realised that none of that was an actual question…_ **_I warned you about my writing skills._ ** _Anyways, don’t get too anxiety-riddled when you reply, okay?_

_**-** ** **Connor****_

 

 

That was the letter he brought to show them, the one he wanted to remind Connor of the most, where they’d used the dumb nicknames for the first time (which he’d replaced), reminded each other of those...lonelier times (which he’d chopped off completely), and, most importantly, where he’d decided he needed to get better for both his family and himself.

 

Cynthia had tears in her eyes by the time she’d finished, but also a sweet smile he just couldn’t explain, “I can just imagine him saying all this… If I’d just sat down and listened then, maybe…” She spared a glance around the hospital room with a tender look, focusing on nothing in particular as Evan took the time to get closer. To see the stringy strands of brown hair that fell across his forehead, the pale tone of his skin that had taken on a sickly look, the dark bruising overshadowing the scars on each arm. A green bracelet made of string was nearly hidden beneath the medical band on his right wrist, Evan couldn’t help but play with the material with his free hand; the other keeping intertwined with the sleeping boy’s.

 

“What’s that?” She asked suddenly, making him jolt until he turned to see her passive face and calmed a bit, returning to the previous motion of rubbing it between his fingers.

 

“I- Well… I made that.”

 

“Oh,” Cynthia responded, gasping a little at the thought until she eyed the deep blue one on Evan’s left arm, marked with Connor’s name.

 

His face flushed when he realised she’d noticed and right hand left Connor’s bracelet to mess with his own, “He was… He was always better at it than me, ha…”

 

“Did you want to read it to him, Evan?”

 

He snapped out of his trance, carefully pulling the paper from Cynthia’s hands, crumpling it even further with a noise loud enough to make him cringe. With trembling hands and shallow breaths, he told the sleeping Connor his version of the letter, instead. Of how happy he’d been for him in reading the many thoughts he’d shared, the pride he’d felt on his behalf, and so many intense emotions. Intense emotions that were condensed into a safe ‘we’re totally not gay’ zone, at least, he hoped so.

 

-

 

School was filled with teary eyes, but, for him, all he noticed were Jared’s ever-present glares, Alana’s rampant effort to console a sobbing girl a lunch, the lack of a glare on his favourite person’s face as he shoved him into the lockers again.

 

He came home to his mom leaving, having forgotten all about their pre-planned night and most of their chatter on scholarship essays. She swore about it, left him alone with pizza money he still couldn’t bring himself to use, and couldn’t even promise the next night thanks to the Murphy’s plan.

 

He wished he could call Connor, instead, he just went back, read everything over and over again to try and figure out where it had all gone wrong. Went over their last fight again and again in his mind to sift through for evidence, find out what he’d done, what he’d broken.

 

By the end of it, there was simply too much to count, and no Connor to break this fragile mindset.

 

He went to bed hungry, and alone.

 

-

 

“Don’t your parents wonder why you’re always here?”

 

He whirled around from his place in the hall, stuffing the letter he was reading behind himself in a split second, “N-No, she d-doesn’t.”

 

“Just your mom, then? It’s still been like, two nights.”

 

“She has classes, and work, just not a lot of t-time…” He confesses, “I, uh, your family is pretty nice and-?”

 

“I know what you’re doing.”

 

“H-Huh?” He stammers, breath hitching a bit as his hands trail to back to the hem of his shirt.

 

“Were you and Connor _ever_ friends?” She demands, thrusting a letter into his face that he hadn’t brought:

 

_Connie,_

 

_I promise I enjoy these letters, even if you hate promises you can’t deny that now! I’ve read through it a lot, honestly, and...I think of you on many occasions..._

 

The letter went on, but he’d long since stopped reading after taking a glance at the nickname and instantly flinching, “It was under his bed,” Zoe continued, “And! Its definitely scarred me for life…”

 

She narrowed her eyes, “Were you stalking him? Maybe the other way around? Explain this to me, Evan! Explain why the fuck I found a _sex_ letter,” she demanded, firmly shoving him up against the wall.

 

“B-Because we- I-It’s be-because we-”

 

“Don’t. Lie.”

 

“It’s because I love him!” Evan shouted, instantly covering up his mouth at the sound of Zoe’s gasp before taking on a serious expression, and pushing past his fear, “We… We were dating...for at least a year, now… And he- he- he didn’t want anyone else to know…!” He finished, sobbing it out like a final word, because now everything was for nothing, he’d lied for _nothing._

 

“You two…?” Zoe whispers, “I...I never even… He never even…”

 

She slides down the wall and onto the floor of the hall, the paper now crumpled in one hand, Evan stoops down and sits by her side, “Zoe… He was scared, he loved you, I _swear_ he did, the words I’ve rewritten were all his own, and I’ve tried to make that as clear as I can. I haven’t lied about _anything,_ except being _only_ friends.”

 

“So, it was all real, then?” She asked, barely moving her mouth as she sat still, frozen as she leaned against the lime green painted walls, hands tracing the shag carpet as she let her legs extend fully, nearly reaching the opposite wall.

 

He nodded only to realise she wasn’t looking, “Y-Yes… _Yes._ He hated himself for ruining you two, always thought he wasn’t worth the effort and that you were better than him. But he never stopped caring about you, Zoe, I can prove it as much as you need.”

 

“But, how do I know?” She asked, skeptical as usual, turning back towards him until they were sharing a deep stare, enough to note the glimmers in each eye, “I… Yes, prove it to me.”

 

Evan gave a sigh, shifting until his knees were drawn up to his chest and awkwardly mimicking her motions as he pulled at the carpet, “The orchard.”

 

She stiffened, giving him a long look he didn’t return, already stuck in the memory as he spaced out, “It was early in June, maybe the end of May? The weather was beautiful, I remember that the most, the clear skies and bright sunlight…

 

“We met at an ice cream place, I still have the letter I wrote to myself about it-” He paused, at her look, and clarified, “Therapy assignment. He ordered for me when I couldn’t, asked to talk in return for his help, and played it all off like he was just some pretentious jerk until we were alone.”

 

“We sat on a hill, under a huge tree, and shared a few stories whenever either of us got the courage to actually say anything-” He stopped to chuckle a little, “And, eventually, just exchanged numbers and left.”

 

“I was no good at knowing what to say, but he didn’t get bothered as easily as I thought he would. The next time we met, I told him about the letters I wrote to myself and that I thought writing to each other was a good idea. He thought it was stupid, but… In the end, we wrote dozens.”

 

“It was a good system, we always had a piece of each other to look at it and just _know_ we didn’t have to worry- Having to change his words hurt more than you could ever, possibly know… But I did, tried to push through it for him because he didn’t want your parents to ‘ruin’ it.”

 

“But Zoe… I’m worried, that- We… We had a fight because I was lonely at school, but he didn’t want you to know so I let him push me, but I should’ve asked him what he really thought that day b-be-because I’mterrifiedthat’swhyhetriedtokillhimself, Zoe!”

 

She put a hand on his back and gentle rubbed circles into his shirt as he took a few moments to follow her breaths so he could keep going, “We...we were friends for a couple years until he decided to take me there and- and he told me about how depressed he’d been, and- and about _everything.”_

 

“And I told him that I’d be there, but none of it- none of it mattered to-to me, that I wouldn’t just leave him for that considering the day we’d met was the day I planned to-” He stopped short, swallowing, “P-Planned to do something I might have regretted… And that was the day we...uh, the day we started g-going out. And we just...stayed there, and he told me about the plane that got crashed in the lake, the way you’d go every year to eat under the trees… So we climbed a tree and just… Watched the sunset…”

 

And while he was lost in the idea of going back, here _she_ was, unable to even comprehend the idea of her brother’s compassion, of his and Evan’s shared time. Still, after some time, her eyes did get spotty with tears (Evan was already letting his drip like a waterfall), neither truly sobbed until she took finally reached over, took his hand into hers, and said, “...Thank you.”

 

-

 

Alana: We need to talk.

 

It was all she’d texted before confronting him the next day, creating an ominous air as she approached his locker that Thursday afternoon, just after the end of school.

 

“What did you _do?”_ She demanded, hardening her glare as he curled in on himself and stepped back until he hit the wall, leaving them still only a dozen inches apart.

 

“I- I- W-What?”

 

“To Zoey! You know? Zoe Murphy. My best friend who implied _you_ made her cry when we talked on the phone!” Alana shouted, taking a deep breath with her eyes shut before finally asking again, “So, _what did you do?”_

 

“N-Nothing!” He stammered, desperate and afraid, “S-She just wanted to talk about C-Connor!”

 

“About her brother? To _you?_ Try again, Hansen.”

 

“I-It’s true! We… We d-didn’t get along, but-”

 

Alana stopped him by stepping forward with an audible stomp of her foot that seemed to echo through the empty hallway, “What, she wants all that inside knowledge about how he bullied people? Are you _stupid?_ You thought _that_ would _help?!”_

 

He trembled, jolting when she repeated the action and raising his hands defensively, “I-I’m sorry! I just… I-I just-” His breathing became rushed, a flurry in his throat as emotions and tension ran high before he finally noticed…

 

She was staring at the band on his wrist, stepping back slightly and almost tilting to the side in a dizzy sort of stupor, “What…?”

 

Oh god. She’d gonna think he stole it. Or worse, she’ll figure it out and he can’t let that happen. He _can’t let that happen!_

 

He leaves anything left in his locker behind, slinging his bag over one shoulder and sprinting down the hall as fast as he can, away from Alana Beck, away from school, back to Connor.

 

-

 

“I messed up…” He told him, lamenting everything to ever happen, “Alana saw, I- I don’t know what she knows… Why…”

 

He can’t help but ask it through the torrent of emotions, tilting his head back to peer at the ceiling as he holds Connor’s hand with both of his, “Why did you put your name on it?”

 

Evan turns his gaze from the bracelet, back to his friend, “I mean, you knew I’d wear it from then on, didn’t you?” He asks, rhetorically, “You had to know I wouldn’t take it off so…”

 

He feels lost and confused as though the storm holds him in the safety of the center, only to threateningly approach whenever he makes the slightest of mistakes, “Did you want this…? Do I not need to lie?”

 

“I… I wish I knew…”

 

Cynthia wished she did too, feigning sleep with one hand pressed against her mouth in a leaning motion as she listened in and wondered, feeling so many more tears coming on as Evan poured his heart out to her sleeping son.

 

She wanted to ask, instead, she let them sit there until visiting hours were finally over, pretending to awaken at the nurse’s calls, and then she took him home without another word, eyeing the dark circles on his face all the while.

 

-

 

It seemed old acquaintances had made a habit of popping back into his life. Jared stared him down that Friday morning, throwing glare after glare that was met with the shrinking posture of his victim, suffering beneath the scrutiny.

 

It was like a warning shot. The calm before the storm. He didn’t see it coming.

 

When Jared’s friend made him crash against the lockers and rewarded his betrayal with bruises, a limp, and an agonising pain from where his hair had been pulled.

 

It was a familiar situation. One his former friend had never been present for.

 

-

 

But that hadn’t been the storm. What the canary had cried out to alert.

 

“Evan, who’s Connor?” Heidi asked suddenly.

 

“Connor...Murphy? S-Someone from school, I don’t know him well…” He muttered in response, trying to seem nonchalant as he packed his bag. How did she know him?

 

“Huh… So, where are you off to?”

 

“Just going to vi-visit a friend.”

 

She gave him a sidelong glance, “Alana?”

 

“Huh? Oh, no… We haven’t been talking for awhile, she’s been so-so b-busy with everything lately…!” He half-lied.

 

“Then, who? Are you going to visit the hospital kid again?”

 

“What do you mean…?” Did she...she didn’t know, did she?

 

“Well that’s where you went last time, with Alana, remember? Is that what she’s busy with?” She asked, seeming genuinely confused, but holding a gaze of accusation, almost (at least it seemed so to his anxious mind).

 

“I- Yeah! She’s been- Well, she’s been advocating against, uh, suicide and stuff…! I’m actually g-going to see Zoe.”

 

“Zoe?”

 

“Friend of Alana’s…?” He assured, cringing inwardly at the unsurety in his voice.

 

She turned her back to him without speaking, without a tired smile, and without a single touch to his hair like she usually would. It felt like a dark moment, her voice steady, but carrying an air of betrayal he knew too well from all the times he’d fucked up everything.

 

And she said, as though as hardened as steel, “Okay, honey.”

 

-

 

“Connor… I don’t know what to do…” He sobbed, lost in that moment, completely torn apart by what was practically a glare coming from his mom, the memory of blue eyes staring at him with an empty hatred…

 

_“You little fucking shit-!”_

 

No.

 

No, his mom was not _him._ His mother wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t call a moving truck and laugh with him before carting off half his life across the country. His mother wouldn’t lie when she was kind, hit him behind closed doors, make people cry for the sake of herself.

 

His mother was not _him._

 

...So why did that look scare him so much with the familiarity?

 

“She looked just like him… Like- Like she was looking through me, waiting for me to fuck up, for m-me to… To be alone and j-just…” He couldn’t help the painful hitches in his breathing as tears fell onto the thin hospital sheets, sliding down his cheeks to touch their hands. He finally gave in, pressing his forehead to Connor’s hand and letting it all fall apart, “I-I’m sorry… I’m sorry I’m so… S-So awful…! That I can’t even handle- That I _saw_ m-my- My- My… In her look! That I can’t do anything right, not even t-this!”

 

And for so many long moments he just listened to his own failures as they were projected through his tears, silence broken by whines and pathetic sadness before he finally began to repeat what he always had when _he_ was still around, “Please forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, god- please just forgive me!”

 

But not a single word was uttered in response, nothing more than the gasps of a woman as she pressed her ear to the door, than her sobs as they came to match his, chiming in with an awful intensity. Because, like a small child, she broke too.

 

Cynthia’s face was still red when she drove them back, decidedly handing off Evan to Zoe in hopes that their solidarity might just let them enjoy _one_ ** _fucking_** night. She heard them laughing an hour later, sharing funny stories through their sorrow, and smiled for the first time in weeks.

 

Zoe kept him over most of the weekend, Cynthia had a feeling he’d confessed his feelings of his mom to her that night, which was why she asked both to dinner that Monday night.

 

-

 

“Hello, Evan!” She greeted, wrapping up the awkward small talk with his mom, “It’s nice to see you again, I invited your mom to join us this time!”

 

He feels himself shrink back, sees that same steadiness to his mom’s face and resists the urge to hide away, his face in his hands.

 

Zoe seems to notice, “Wish you’d warned us…” She muttered, annoyed on Evan’s behalf as her hand held his arm with a steady grip, “Band ran late,” she added after seeing her father’s look.

 

Heidi stood, her hands on the table as her chair screeched behind her, “So, _Evan,_ Connor and you _are_ close?”

 

He nodded, suddenly scared, moving to hold Zoe’s hand, who let it leave his arm and squeezed tightly as they held together behind their backs, “I… Yeah.”

 

“Right. And I suppose you’ve been coming here, then?” She didn’t even look at him.

 

“N-Not always…”

 

Suddenly, she moved towards him, finally looking up with a darkness to her face, one he never thought would be there, and he was suddenly _so_ **_terribly_ ** _afraid._ He backed up, hand leaving Zoe’s by mistake as it matched the impulse to hold up his hands, but not make it obvious he was afraid of an oncoming physical pain. But when she raised her hand, he couldn’t help but flinch away, arms moving upwards as he squeezed his eyes shut.

 

Instead, she seized his wrist and pulled it gently, “We’re going home. _Now.”_

 

He looked back as she dragged him to her car, to see Zoe’s sheer terror, Cynthia’s worry, the pure confusion on Larry’s face, then he looked forwards, saw the tear tracks on his mom’s face, and turned to the floor instead.

 

And no matter how many times he told himself not to be… He was still utterly terrified.

 

-

 

“So, were you ever going to tell me?” She asks.

 

They sit at the kitchen table without anything between them but the bare woodwork, so different from the Murphy’s so-often used tablecloths he’d fidget with when Zoe wasn’t sat next to him (her presence was so much of a comfort now that she knew).

 

“...No…” He answers honestly, his voice small like himself, “I… Connor didn’t… He- He didn’t want to t-tell any-anyone…”

 

“But you told Jared?”

 

“J-Jared told you…?!”

 

She sighed, _“Yes,_ Evan, but why? Why am I hearing this from my son’s friends and not- Not you…?”

 

“We… We… We were sti-still talking at- at the time- Said I ‘replaced him’ and… And hasn’t w-wanted any-any-anything to d-do with me si-si- _since,”_ he stuttered out, any bitterness having died the first day of Senior year, the very moment he’d learned… “He- He wasn’t e-e-even my f-friend, he told me hi-himself…”

 

Heidi sighed, “Well, I still… Maybe I still expected you to, I don’t know, tell me the truth about where you were going?”

 

“I was… I was visiting Connor… Mrs. Murphy would feel bad afterwards and Zoe never could go, but she- she wanted to help _me_ thr-thr-through it and-”

 

She crossed her arms, “So you _were_ there every night.”

 

“I- Well I don’t see why it matters!” He interjected, a rebellion flattened in an instant.

 

“And _every night_ you told them about some friend I never even knew about?! About things you didn’t even trust me with- To another family?! Why _them,_ Evan?”

 

“I didn’t want to! They- They found a l-letter I’d written an-and I-”

 

“So you just decided it was fine, after that? Snooping is what it takes to gain your trust, then? What else have you been keeping to yourself?! It’s like- It’s like I don’t even know you!”

 

He’s so scared. So scared. But he can’t help what comes out, the change to _just_ _-_ “Wha-What do you know… a-about me?” She’s shocked for a minute, staring at him in utter disbelief, “I… I’ve always kn-known you were busy, but… But I don’t- I don’t have a ride to therapy, I- I never got my pills back from you, I _never_ talk about J-Jared anymore yet you still thought… I just… I never _see_ you-! N-Not even on nights we planned! And now you’re _yelling_ at me for- for just sp-spending time t-talking to people ab-about my _best friend-_ My _best friend_ who _tried to kill himself!_ **_And I keep seeing-!”_ **

 

He stops short, looking at her in horror before just letting himself hit the floor, and back up against the couch as he sits and cries, “I’m the worst part of your life…”

 

Heidi goes upstairs, stopping only to pour him a glass of water and carefully set it beside him before her retreat. She returns with the blanket from her bed, a small bag of chocolate, and three pillows (which she actually carried instead of chucking down the stairs like usually).

 

She puts everything on hold for Evan, to just wrap him up in her embrace as some animated movie plays in the background that they’d started together over a year ago; it was still paused halfway through.

 

How long had it been since he’d needed her? But then she took a look at his teary, red face and changed the question: How long has his need of her gone unnoticed?

 

“You are the _one good_ part of my life, Evan. The only good I’ve got.”

 

-

 

Alana: I want to make sure this never happens again.

 

Alana: We don’t need to talk about the lies, just bring your mom, and your memories, and meet up with all of us at the hospital?

 

Evan: I’ll ask.

 

His mom took the next day off for whatever Alana had planned.

 

-

 

They walk into the entrance to see the Murphys already there, Alana sits with them, chatting in the lobby, in her hand is a camera. She waves half-heartedly as they come in, Evan sits beside Zoe (who has never visited before and is noticeably nervous), his mom remains standing, leaning her back against the wall next to Cynthia (who smiles at her as though the scene at dinner had never happened).

 

And… Oh.

 

Jared is returning from the help desk with a handful of badges and stickers he passes around, turning his nose up to Evan before passing his to Zoe; she frowns deeper in response.

 

“So… What are we doing with that?” Jared asks, gesturing to the camera.

 

“I want to make sure this never happens again. ‘Don’t Disappear,’ is what I call it…” Alana states, looking almost wistfully entranced by her ideas (Zoe smiles a little upon noticing), “I want to make a sort of video about Connor’s friends and family after he… Yeah… Then I want to make a place for everyone to...to know what it does to the people left behind, you know?”

 

“And…” She plays with her ponytail turning to Evan with a glow in her eyes, “Maybe make something to show people care when he wakes up…?”

 

He gives a grateful smile and she lunges for him, pulling him into a hug and whispering, “I’m so sorry, Ev…”

 

She hasn’t called him that since Freshman year, he can’t help but be touched by their bridging friendship, “It’s okay… I know, y-you just w-wanted to help your friend.”

 

“I know, but…” Alana hesitates, looking down to the floor before catching his gaze again, “You’re a friend, too, _my_ friend. And I... I'm sorry I forgot that."

 

It’s more than he could have hoped for as they share a private sort of smile, even while surrounded by others. Alana adjusts the camera, fidgeting with it for a few minutes before finally sticking the green dot to her shirt and pinning on the badge.

 

“L-Let’s go, then…” He says, trying to encourage Zoe as she clings to Alana’s hand, her other in Evan’s as they step forwards into a new world, a perspective made to be changed. Jared looks up from behind them with a sort of glare, but nobody but him seems to notice.

 

-

 

“What’s your best memory with Connor, Zoe?” She asks from behind the lense, carefully prompting with soft words as she stares at her friend, who completely fell apart upon catching sight of her brother, looking like death, but _breathing- and oh god he’s still a part of her life-_

 

It’s a teary smile on her face, one marred with a special kind of happiness and sorrow as she speaks through every crack of her voice, “Well… We… I put streaks in my hair. And I’d always scribble stars on every surface. He- He told me once-” She looked at Evan, remembering the letters he’d shared with her, “How amazing it was that I could- That I could be so confident, even with little stuff. And it just made me think- Think of when he was late picking me up because he was sad again and I didn’t understand-”

 

She stops to take a breath, “But I knew… So I painted his nails so he’d sit still, and- and he told me how I was wasting my time doing things for him… But- But he… He came back by the end of the week with it all chipped, but still there, and he told me, ‘Show me how you can be like this without being afraid…’”

 

“And I…” She choked out the last few words, “And I taught him how to pretend no one was ever watching or judging or waiting for the first mistake- And it was… It was the last time we ever really got along before I- Before I decided-” She looked at him, then back at the camera with a straight stare, “Before we stopped understanding…”

 

Stiff fingers left a camera to clench at her sides before Alana finally approached and held her tightly, her best attempt to renew an old, forgotten friendship from so many years prior. It drew another watery smile out of her, “I _do_ love him… I don’t hate him- god- I don’t hate him- I-!” She insisted, Alana nodding along with her all the way, brushing a hand through the strands caught by the front of her hair clip from when it was disheveled by her own hand.

 

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but… What am _I_ doing here, then?” Jared chimed in, “I didn’t even _know_ Connor.”

 

She remained besides Zoe, standing a little straighter and speaking matter-of-factly, _“Yes,_ but you know Evan… You’d know how they looked together as friends.”

 

He gave a dark kind of chuckle, sweating a little as his hand brushed against the back of his neck in a nervous gesture that didn’t seem to belong, “Heh, yeah… ‘Friends.’”

 

Evan froze, looking at him with something vaguely defined as half-hidden horror at the thought that it was all over, Jared matched the gaze with his own as his grew almost angry, “They _sure_ were great friends…!” He laughed, “C’mon, like I didn’t know what you two got up to when you left me for him!”

 

“L-Left you for…? What?” Evan asked, confused, “Y-You told me… You told me we w-w-weren’t friends, _you_ l-left _me_ be-because you hate me…!” He assured, gesturing to himself, “W-Why else would your _real_ friends tr-tr-treat me like dirt…”

 

It was Jared’s turn to be unsure, a small look of shock that was quickly painted over, “Right! Yup, all my fault, I get it. But _god!_ It is _quite_ the story…!”

 

His eyes hardened, but in a sad way, he couldn’t hate him, not even if he was about to do what he thought he was out of pure spite, in fact, he looked more afraid than anything, “J-Jared… _Don’t._ I-It’s not y-your story to tell…! C-Connor didn’t-!”

 

“Yeah, well that makes him a pretty big asshole, huh?” He shouted in response, making Evan shrink back in fear, “Left you out to dry by yourself- _You,_ who has anxiety, and expected it to work out? Sounds pretty fucking selfish to me.”

 

“I- But I- That’s not…"

 

“Not fair? Sure as hell seems like it is! I mean, even if you volunteered for it…” He gave an appraising stare for a long moment, “It can’t be what _you_ wanted.”

 

“Wha-What do you know?! Y-You weren't e-even-! I..." He tensed, blinking back droplets as his throat heated and his pulse shot up, his whole body trembling as he struggled to find anything to hold onto, "It d-doesn’t matter! He’s my _fr-friend!”_ Evan finally insisted, glancing about the room for some kind of help, only to be met with confused and curious stares that whispered the idea of betrayal. Only Zoe’s held any real merit, angry and sorrowful on Evan’s behalf as leftover tears dripped down her face in a steady stream, Alana’s arm still wrapped around her with fingers barely holding onto the camera strap as it cast out a little beam of red light- _Oh god._

 

“How long are you gonna keep lying, _Ev,_ to me, and everyone else?!”

 

His breathing steadily increased to match that of his throbbing heartbeat, his blood seemed to rush, and marred each word with ringing; the sound of liquid sloshing about in his ear doing little to help the rising panic, “St-Stop it!”

 

Jared looked close to tears for a few moments, at the sight of Evan, yet he kept pushing regardless, “And Connor’s _so_ great, that he made you decide to fuck _me_ over- So you know what I think?! He’s just a huge, fucking _loser,_ who couldn’t even get over himself for his own _fucking boyfriend!”_

 

The room seemed to take on the air of a freezer, after that. Jared got a good look at Evan as he finally opened his eyes once more, he had his hands on his head, gripping strands of hair as his eyes stayed wide and afraid, body trembling as his face turned white. He looked like he was about to throw up, keel over, or both, and, without turning to see the Murphys' reactions, he bolted from the room, throwing the door open, and sprinting off like he always did to avoid things.

 

Heidi had her hand outstretched before it came back to her face, and she wondered what else she had missed. Cynthia almost looked...happy? Torn between happiness her son had found someone, and the thought of it being hidden away by them both. Alana stood a little stiffer, sparing a glance back at Zoe, and sharing a nod that informed her she already knew. Only Larry stood completely still, fists clenched at his sides in a gesture none could read but his wife, who’d already stepped in front of him as though afraid of what he would do.

 

And Jared? He’d never regretted anything more than that moment, the face of the hyperventilating, rampantly anxious Evan still stuck in his mind as something _he’d_ caused.

 

-

 

He didn’t know where he was going, but, then again, maybe it was all a subconscious effort, one that pushed him through the white halls. They blurred around him, and carried no sound, like he was leaving behind after-images of himself in the slow motion he felt. He heard only his rapid breaths as he pumped his arms, and sprinted out the automatic doors, into the, now dark, parking lot, lit by streetlights, and the bright lights of the building. He went past his mother’s car-

 

 _“You are the_ one _good part of my life, Evan. The only good I’ve got.”_

 

-Alana’s,

 

_“You’re a friend, too, my friend. And I... I'm sorry I forgot that."  
_

 

-and the Murphys’,

 

_“You… You knew Connor, didn’t you? You were friends?”_

 

_“I can just imagine him saying all this… If I’d just sat down and listened then, maybe…”_

 

_“...Thank you.”_

 

-heart clenching as he did so, even more so as he finally passed Jared’s at the very end of the parking lot.

 

_“Just lemme come over, I need my parents to pay my car insurance!”_

 

 _“And Connor’s so great, that he made you decide to fuck me over- So you know what I think?! He’s just a huge, fucking_ loser, _who couldn’t even get over himself for his own_ fucking boyfriend!”

 

He was the worst person alive, really. He’d lied...to everyone. Inspired some kind of hope, which was true, only to put the fear of treachery in its place. There was little chance they’d believe their friendship now, even smaller the idea of him still being allowed near Connor.

 

Just the thought hurt him more than anyone could ever know, even himself.

 

He should just disappear, leave Connor to live his life outside Evan’s shadow, something that probably weighed on his heart until what he thought was the bitter end.

 

So he went to the Orchard.

 

A family place turned theirs in a selfish gesture of copying over memories, and making new ones with each other. It had been nearly a year before he’d taken him here for the first time, like he was waiting for Evan to not be the person he wanted, nor needed. He still wasn’t, Connor must have gotten it wrong… After all, what kind of fucking asshole would ruin such a special place with his martyr complex, and old sneakers that tore bark from the tallest tree he could find. He’d waited underneath for just a little bit, like he was making sure as he caught his breath, all it did was make him more impatient. On his phone, which remained on the ground, he’d left a note:

 

_Connie,_

 

 _Please, live for yourself. You deserve the world, much more than I do, which is why I’m so sorry I put you back on this path. You’ll find love again, I promise, so please_ don’t _do what I am about to._

 

_I love you._

  _\- Ev_

 

 

He wrote to no one else. He had betrayed them. He didn’t deserve their attention. It was why he was here, climbing the tallest tree with little bother for being careful, desperation taking hold of his heart like everything he'd ever wanted was _right there,_ right there at the top. It had to be at least thirty feet, probably more, the branches up top were thin, and nearly cracked instantly at his weight.  _Right there above him._ The top was cut off from when it had grown too tall, so he sat on that, shaking like a leaf, and waiting for the shaking to cease so the mere wind wouldn’t knock him over as soon as he stood.

 

But stand he did, because _it_ _was right there below him._ Because nothing was safer than just _running,_ than just throwing it all away like caution to the wind. Like the words he'd left unspoken when he failed to find them. Like the mess he'd made- The mess he _is._

 

So, in a blue polo, with a bracelet labeled, ‘Connor,’ and his scratched-up arms held high by his sides, he felt the wind touch him ever so slightly. It was like he was flying, in those brief moments.

 

But he wanted to _soar,_ didn’t he?

 

So, Evan... _jumped,_ and dared the world to catch him with non-existent wings.

 

-

 

It had taken just over a week for Evan’s facade to fall apart.

 

An extra hour, before he fell from a tree.

 

Three more days, before Connor finally woke up.

 

And another eleven hours, before Evan, too, woke up, with a broken leg, lightly bruised ribs, and a nasty concussion.

 

-

 

He blinked, felt a heaviness as his eyelids fought the darkness they’d, apparently, grown accustomed to. His body felt the same way, so weighed down, and pulled by sleep as it kept a grip on him, letting itself in through every wound to create that much more weariness. He finally raised his head, and peered to the right, his mother, Zoe… _Oh._

 

Oh, fuck he's alive.

 

Oh _fuck,_ Evan!

 

He jerked upwards, looking around rampantly, before his eyes finally fell on Evan’s sleeping form, not tucked in a chair like he’d assumed, but splayed on a hospital bed beside him, leg supported from above with bandages peeking out from under his gown, and over his hair, winding around his head.

 

Oh god, what did he do?!

 

His breath caught, he felt what he’d assume Evan did before an anxiety attack, the sheer panic driving him to fearful tears, and drawing out a buzz in his chest. His mom awoke to the sound of his trembling as it made the metal clang and rattle in urgency, she was quick to embrace him, keeping him as she counted breaths aloud. And he breathed. He _breathed, breathed, **breathed.**_ Something so difficult he could barely comprehend it, his arms scrambling to find purchase on his mom’s sleeves.

 

“Shh, it’s okay. Let it out… You’re gonna be just fine…”

 

“Ev… Ev…” He choked out, unable to be comforted by the crooning, and limited by a dry throat.

 

Cynthia batted at Zoe, and informed the sleepy girl to find some water, she returned quickly, and with an air of relief as she, too, put herself next to him on the bed, holding him up, and keeping them both steady, “Connor… You’re okay…” Zoe said, as though shocked, the amount of relief in her voice still so utterly unbelievable to him, though it didn’t stop him from returning her affection, and stealing the paper cup behind her back with his other arm. She jokingly swatted at him, but let him have it.

 

He gasped after finishing, having chugged the whole thing in a hurry, “Evan…!”

 

Zoe’s giggles instantly ceased, both looks falling into a sort of ruin, before she softly chimed in to fill in the blanks, “He… He fell from a tree. We think it was a suicide attempt…” She brushed some hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear in a nervous habit, “He was trying to hide the fact that you guys, er... _dated,_ when we found out you were friends- I… Just let me, uh, tell you the _whole_ story…”

 

There wasn’t much reasoning to what had been done without Evan- His sweet Evan, who'd jumped out of a _tree-_ to say why... It was missing context, and all the internal, fearful thoughts of his boyfriend.

 

But now Connor knew… And, _god,_ did he feel awful.

 

-

 

“You fucking idiot…”

 

Oh. What a nice comment to wake up to. Connor’s voice, probably as some ghost meaning to haunt him about his lies, or the faded echo of a lover as he joined them in death.

 

“Why… Why would you do this, Evan? Because you were scared? Because you thought you’d failed me? God, Evan, you _never_ had to…!" He stopped short, letting out a-not-quite-frustrated sigh, turning it into a gasp as the sleeping boy’s eyelids fluttered, and a vague groan became apparent as pain returned; the sullen look instantly faded.

 

Connor’s face, blurry for a moment before fading into view, brown and blue eyes filled with tears, long hair splayed over his face as he leaned down, the ends of the strands lying on Evan’s chest, “Ev? C’mon, Evangreen…”

 

“C-Connie…?” He snorted at the seriousness of the moment as it was ruined by the nickname, and moved to take Evan’s hand into his own, chipped nail polish-covered fingernails overlapping his hospital bracelet, and finding another beneath it, just like his own. He played with the woven jewelry for a long moment, taking the time to trace the blocky letters he’d made from black string as they stood out above a pattern of greens and blues.

 

But then he stopped short, catching Evan’s gaze, “Why’d you...do this…? Zoe… She told me about it, or, at least, what she knew, but…” He looked so sad and lost, eyes darting to the side in a sudden movement, “Why... _this?”_

 

“I...I made a mistake… I thought-”

 

“You thought I would be angry- Your note seemed to fill that in.”

 

He nodded glumly, already sensing the unease and frustration in Connor’s voice as one of his hands threaded through his long brown locks, tugging lightly, something normally saved for each other in private moments. In the end, he didn’t know what to say, settling for laying his head lightly on the other boy’s chest, winding their hands together, and, finally, just... _talking._

 

“I did it because of the same thing. Because I thought you deserved better. Don’t blame yourself- That fight… That was bound to happen, I was unfair to you…” He traced the vague shadows of bruises on Evan’s face, “I hurt you…”

 

“You didn’t…” Was all he could say in response, “Jared’s friends… They did _this…”_

 

“But I didn’t wanna be there for you at school, you can’t tell me that you wanted that.”

 

 _“Yeah, well that makes him a pretty big asshole, huh?” He shouted in response, making Evan shrink back in fear, “Left you out to dry by yourself-_ You, _who has anxiety, and expected it to work out? Sound pretty fucking selfish to me.”_

 

_“I- But I- That’s not…”_

 

_“Not fair? Sure as hell seems like it is! I mean, even if you volunteered for it…” He gave an appraising stare for a long moment, “It can’t be what you wanted.”_

 

He shook his head, both to displace the memory, and show his answer, it was true, he cared for Connor so deeply though… It didn’t matter if it meant he could lose him, “I… I just…”

 

“I know…” The brunette practically sobbed, “I didn’t either…”

 

They were both idiots.

 

“That’s true.”

 

He’d spoken aloud?

 

“You did.”

 

And they shared a laugh, and things felt a little more _okay._

 

-

 

“Evan… I… I’m so sorry…” Jared said, nearly in tears as he stood before him, his former friend supported by crutches, and the arm of his boyfriend, “I… I can’t believe you never knew we were friends, and I let things go _so_ wrong- I- None of those guys bothered you because I asked them to- I swear! Ev… I just-”

 

“Jared…” He started in response, letting one crutch lean against Connor before putting a hand on his shoulder, he’d taken his glasses off to wipe his eyes, “It’s okay… We both- We both avoided t-talking about it…”

 

He gave a watery smile, and pulled Evan into a hug, something he hadn’t done since first grade, and cried, something he hadn’t been _seen_ doing since fifth. And it might be a long time before Evan grew comfortable enough to not stutter around him like with Connor. It would take even more to fix these suicidal thoughts of theirs, and make a healthy relationship. And even longer than that they’d have to deal with Larry’s ‘BS,’ (Connor's words, not his), Cynthia’s stand as she filed for divorce, and the careful mistrust of Heidi Hansen (who was growing closer than ever to the newly confident woman). But they had time…

 

He held him tighter, relishing in the warm hands on his back, and the soft look of the boy beside him as he let a hand trail through Evan’s hair. They pulled apart, and he and Connor shared a warm look, a heated moment, and a tender, long-awaited kiss that made them each feel more alive than ever.

 

_They had time._


End file.
